Why other people's stories help
However well you know someone, you only know your own chapters. The best man may never have met the groom's college friends; the maid of honour may know nothing about the bride's first job. A story from someone else can fill a gap, back up a point you want to make, or give you a line nobody in the room has heard before. It also lets a few more people be part of the speech, which couples tend to love.
Who to ask
- Someone from each stage of their life: childhood, school, college, work, now.
- Siblings and cousins, for the family stories nobody else knows.
- The friend who was there when the couple met.
- One or two people who know the partner well, so the speech is not all about one half of the couple.
- Older relatives, gently. A grandparent's memory can be the most moving line in a speech.
Five to ten people is usually plenty. More than that and you will spend longer sorting than writing.
When to ask
Six to eight weeks before the wedding works well. That gives people time to think and reply, and you time to follow up and write. Ask too early and people forget; ask in the final week and you will get rushed answers, or none. Send one friendly reminder about a week after the first message. Most replies arrive after the reminder.
Questions that get real stories
"Have you any funny stories about Conor?" usually gets a shrug. Specific questions get specific answers. Pick two or three of these, not all of them.
- What was your first impression of them, and how wrong were you?
- What is the story you always tell about them?
- When did they really show up for you?
- What is something they do that nobody else would?
- What did you notice the first time you saw them with their partner?
- What is a small habit of theirs that sums them up?
- What did they say or do that you still think about?
- What would you want them to hear on their wedding day?
- What is a word or phrase they say all the time?
- What is the most them thing that has ever happened?
How to ask: a message you can copy
Keep the message short, say why you are asking, and say who will see the answer.
Hi Ciarán, I'm giving the best man speech at Conor and Aisling's wedding in June and I'd love a story from you. Two quick questions: what's the story you always tell about Conor from college, and what did you think when you first met Aisling?
A couple of lines is plenty, or send me a voice note if that's easier. Only I will see what you send, and I'll check with you before I use anything with your name on it. Please don't mention it to Conor! Could you send it by the end of next week?
Make it easy to reply
- Let people speak rather than write. A one minute voice note is easier for most people than a paragraph, and you hear how they tell the story.
- Give a deadline. "By Friday week" gets more replies than "whenever suits".
- Ask for a little. Two questions get answered; ten get put off.
- Keep it in one place. Stories spread across texts, emails and voice notes are easy to lose.
- Keep it a surprise. Ask contributors not to mention it to the couple.
Privacy and trust
People are handing you their memories, sometimes about private moments. Tell them who will see what they send, and stick to it. If you want to name someone in the speech ("his flatmate Ciarán tells me..."), check with them first. If a story involves someone else, an ex for example, leave it out, however good it is.
How to choose which stories to use
You will probably get more material than you can use. That is the point. Read everything once, then sort it.
- Look for a theme. If three people mention his generosity, that is the thread of your speech.
- Pick one or two stories that show the theme. A good story has a moment you can picture.
- Check every story passes the room test: would the couple, their grandparents and their newest in-laws all be happy to hear it?
- Credit the teller in a sentence, if they are happy to be named. It brings them into the moment.
- Thank everyone who sent something, including the people whose stories you did not use. Tell them they helped, because they did.
Stories to leave out
Some of what arrives will be wonderful and still not belong in the speech. Leave these out, however good they are, and thank the sender anyway.
- Anything involving an ex, or a past relationship of either of the couple.
- Stories that only work if you know the people involved.
- Stories that embarrass someone other than the person they are about.
- Anything about money, health or a family falling out.
- Stag and hen stories, unless they would sound charming to a grandmother.
- A story you cannot check. If only one person remembers it and you are not sure it happened that way, ask them again or leave it.
A story you cannot use still tells you something. Five tales of him getting lost suggest a light joke about directions, even if none of the tales themselves would work in front of the room.
Where Toast fits: Story Harvest
Story Harvest is the part of Toast built for exactly this. You share one link with friends and family. They do not need an account: they add their name, how they know the couple and their story, typed or, where voice notes are switched on, as a voice note of up to a minute, and they tick a box to say they are happy for it to be used. The page tells them that only you will see their story, not the couple.
The stories arrive in your inbox in Toast, with a written transcript of each voice note, and you choose which ones to use. Collecting stories is free. Story Harvest, an optional extra at €10, lets the stories you choose reach your drafts, so the speech is written with them. Voice notes are deleted 90 days after the wedding, or 12 months after they arrive if no wedding date is set; the written story and the transcript are kept with your speech.