Best man speech jokes that won't upset the mother of the bride

The mother of the bride test

Before any joke goes in, picture the mother of the bride, the groom's grandmother and the couple's youngest guest hearing it. Then ask four questions.

1. Would the groom laugh at this, or just put up with it?
2. Would someone who has never met him understand it without an explanation?
3. Is it about something he can change, like his timekeeping, rather than something he cannot, like his height?
4. Could it embarrass the bride, either family, or anyone else in the room?

If a line fails any of these, cut it, however much it made the lads laugh in the group chat. A joke the whole room gets is worth three that only your table understands.

Opening lines

Your first line sets the tone. A gentle laugh early on relaxes you and the room. Replace the words in square brackets.

• "For those who don't know me, I'm [your name], the best man. For those who do, relax, I've been fully briefed on what I'm not allowed to say."
• "[Groom] gave me a list of stories I wasn't allowed to tell. It was longer than this speech, so you're getting the leftovers."
• "I practised this speech in front of the mirror for weeks. The mirror has asked for a few changes."
• "Being asked to be best man is a huge honour. Being asked to speak after [father of the bride] is a huge mistake."
• "If my hands are shaking, it isn't nerves. It's the weight of everything I've had to leave out."
• "Some of you know [Groom] from school, some from work, and some of you only met him today. You're the lucky ones. You can still believe everything I'm about to say."
• "I've been told to keep it short, keep it clean and keep it kind. Three things [Groom] has never managed at a party."

Lines about the groom

Tease his habits, not his character. The best of these end on something warm, or set up a compliment later.

• "[Groom] is a man of many talents. Sadly, none of them are cooking, directions or knowing where he left his keys."
• "He's very loyal. Same haircut since 2009, same football team since birth, and the same jumper he wore the first time he met [Bride]'s parents."
• "[Groom] has always been a planner. He planned this wedding the way he plans everything: by asking [Bride] what the plan is."
• "When he told me he'd met someone, I asked what she was like. He said, 'She's funny, she's kind, and she laughs at my jokes.' I said, 'So she's kind twice.'"
• "He's the only man I know who reads the instructions after he's built the wardrobe, mainly to find out what the spare screws were for."
• "[Groom] describes himself as a great dancer. You'll be able to judge that for yourselves later. Please be gentle."
• "In college he was famous for always being there when you needed him. Mostly because he'd forgotten to go home."
• "He's competitive. I let him win at a board game once, in 2014. He still brings it up at Christmas."
• "[Groom] always knew where he was going in life. He just needed [Bride] to tell him which exit to take."
• "He has never once been late for anything involving food. Today he was early for something that didn't, and that tells you everything about how he feels about [Bride]."

Lines about your friendship

Jokes at your own expense are the safest in the speech, and they remind the room why you were chosen.

• "[Groom] and I have been friends for twenty years. People ask the secret. Honestly, low expectations on both sides."
• "We met on the first day of school, when he asked to borrow a pencil. I'm still waiting to get it back, but I'm told it's the thought that counts."
• "We've been through a lot together: exams, bad haircuts, and a camping trip we agreed never to speak of. I'm a man of my word, so that's all you're getting."
• "When we shared a flat, he did the cooking and I did the washing up. It was a fair deal, because there was very little of either."
• "I've known him long enough to say this with total confidence: I've never seen him happier than he is today. And I was there when he found a tenner in an old coat."

Lines about the couple and the bride

Jokes about the bride should flatter her and land on the groom. If a line could be heard as a dig at her, leave it out.

• "[Bride], you look stunning. [Groom], you look like a man who can't believe his luck, and honestly, neither can we."
• "When [Groom] met [Bride], he finally met someone who could beat him at quizzes, parking and arguments. He's been happily losing ever since."
• "[Bride] is clever, kind and organised. She also chose [Groom], which proves nobody is perfect."
• "They say opposites attract. [Bride] is thoughtful, organised and always on time. [Groom] is delighted."
• "I knew it was serious when he started saying 'we'. We don't like coriander. We've been to IKEA. We have opinions about cushions."
• "Some couples finish each other's sentences. These two finish each other's chips, which I think is a deeper kind of love."
• "[Bride], on behalf of his friends, thank you. We spent fifteen years trying to get him to tidy up. You managed it in six months."

Lines about the day

• "What a day. The sun came out, the ceremony was beautiful, and [Groom] remembered both rings, which is the most organised I've ever seen him."
• "I'd like to thank the staff for a wonderful meal, and for not charging [Groom] for the second dessert he thinks nobody saw."
• "[Bride] and [Groom] put so much thought into today: the flowers, the music, the seating plan. If you're sitting beside someone you've never met, that was the thought."
• "Some of you travelled thousands of miles to be here. [Groom]'s cousin came from across the road and was still the last to arrive."
• "Today [Groom] promised to love, honour and cherish. He has also promised to put the bins out, but that one wasn't in front of witnesses."
• "A wedding is the one day a man can wear a suit this good and still be only the second best dressed person at his own table."

Lines for the bridesmaids, the turn and the toast

Every funny speech needs a moment where the jokes stop. A short, sincere turn before the toast is what people remember.

• "On behalf of the bridesmaids, thank you, [Groom], for your kind words. They've asked me to say they agree with every one of them, especially the bit about how good they look."
• "I've been asked to reply on behalf of the bridesmaids, which is a big responsibility for a man who can't reply to a group chat."
• "Some advice for the groom: the two most important words in a marriage are 'you're right'. Practise them now."
• "And some advice for [Bride]: if he ever drives you mad, remember he came with a lifetime guarantee and no receipt."
• "I've made a lot of jokes at his expense tonight, and he's earned every one. But here's the truth: there's nobody I'd rather have beside me when things go wrong, and I'm so glad [Bride] has him now too."
• "Please stand and raise your glasses: to [Bride] and [Groom], and a lifetime of finishing each other's chips."

How to make a joke your own

A borrowed line gets a polite laugh. The same line with a true detail gets a real one. Take "the same jumper he wore when he met her parents": if there really was a jumper, name its colour. If your groom is famous for a particular takeaway, a particular car or a particular phrase, put that in.

• Use one or two jokes per story, not a joke in every sentence.
• Pause after the punchline. Rushing on is the most common way to kill a laugh.
• Never announce a joke. "This one's hilarious" sets a bar no line can clear.
• If a joke falls flat, keep going. A light "That went better at the stag" can get the laugh the joke did not.
• Check any line about a family member with the groom first, privately.

Jokes to avoid

• Exes, past relationships and how many there were.
• Stag party stories, however tame you think they are.
• Money: the cost of the wedding, his salary, her family's house.
• Drink and hangovers as the main joke, especially with older relatives listening.
• Weight, looks, age or anything else about bodies.
• Anything about the bride that is not a compliment.
• In-jokes that need a screenshot to explain.
• Marriage as a prison or a ball and chain. It is old, and it is a strange thing to say at a wedding.

Where Toast fits

Toast writes a best man speech from your own stories, in the tone you pick: Heartfelt, Balanced or Playful roast, for a room of mostly family, rowdy friends or mixed company. On the draft it can flag a line that might not suit the room, explain why and suggest a softer one, so the mother of the bride test is built in. You can use the softer line or keep yours.